I'm Trying to be Like Jesus

So I was up late last night...or maybe early this morning...I couldn't sleep between the hours of 2:43 a.m. and 4:45 a.m. I woke up and my mind was racing and I could not get back to sleep. So I tried reading an article in the Ensign, thinking this should make my mind "relax" and I will go back to sleep. It was a really good article and it helped to put so many things back into perspective for me. The title of the talk was, "That Our Children Might See the Face of the Savior."  I serve in the Stake Primary presidency and I am a Webelos Den leader so I thought that this would be a good article to read and it could help in my callings. And oh yeah, I am a mom too and so it could help me in that calling as well. But it actually has ended up that the article has really helped me, to help me. One little statement that stuck out to me was about learning to love your children and it said, "As we are filled with the love of the Lord, we can love. He might weep over what we do, but He loves us and is always there to help us. That is how we must learn to love our children." And I will add, and ourselves. As I have began to recommit myself to get to know my Savior more and allow myself to feel His love, I love myself, and others more. Sometimes I do feel like crying because of ways I or others have handled things or situations. Sometimes I want to cry just because I want to throw a fit much like my children do. And poor Ryan, sometimes I do just that..."throw a fit" and cry, and he listens and I feel better. The article has helped me as a mom to not get down on myself when things aren't going perfectly with my children. If the Savior can weep over us, I can weep over my children. Sometimes the Savior wept because of the righteousness of His children. Sometimes He wept because they were blatantly being disobedient. Regardless of the reason He still always loved them. So, now

I'm trying to be like Jesus,

I'm following in His ways.

I'm trying to love as He did,

in all that I do and say.

At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,

but I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,

"Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, 

for these are the things Jesus taught."

-Janice Kapp 

Natalie and Clint were having some sibling disagreements this morning. Clint's best line to Nat was, "It's not your life that I'm living in my body." 

Holy smokes I am posting again and it hasn't been a few months!

I am pretty much like my dog Brody, you reward him for a good behavior and he will do it again. Desiree commented on my post and so now I need to post again....I actually did want to get my thoughts out about a wonderful Sunday and that gave me a good excuse to do so. I didn't think that yesterday was going to be so nice. I thought I was probably going to die because I was going to fast and our new schedule for church is 1-4. I really thought of every reason not to. Like even this lame one, "I didn't eat enough last night for dinner to last me till four today." Because you know I am like a bear that has to store up for the long winter nap.But all the excuses can't trump one of my main reason to fast yesterday. How can I ever ask the my kids to do it if I am not willing to do it myself? There are so many things in my life that have been influenced by, "what will I tell my kids?". Which leads me to the wonderful experience we had with one of our kids. Samuel was called as the Deacons quorum President and was set apart yesterday. I was excited for him. He takes his responsibilities as a Deacon quite seriously and he was looking forward to being the quorum president. But it wasn't until yesterday that I realized the great trust and faith that Heavenly Father has in the young men of his church. It made me appreciate more how Mary must have felt when she entered the Temple and saw Jesus teaching the teachers. Seeing your son at a young age going about His Fathers work is very humbling. I am so grateful for the gospel and to live in a time on the earth where Christ's church is living. Where the priesthood is held by worthy males and it is here to bless our lives. What a blessing to be a mom and the be a mom of a son who strives to do what is right.

And to make an end is to make a beginning. ~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

I woke up this morning to a nice quite house. Checked my e-mail, looked at some web-sites, and thought I'd add some New Years resolutions to my blog. I am putting on my brave face and putting my resolutions out for everyone to see. Not hiding them in a journal that gets tucked away and written in every 6 months during conference. Which by the way "journal more often" is going to be a resolution...and I know status updates on Facebook don't count. Another resolution, "don't waste time on Facebook". It really bugs me most the time anyways. It's kind of like when I would watch Lost with Ryan. Every time the episode would end I would say,"well, that was dumb, I hate this show, (and I really try not to use the word hate), why did I just waste an hour of my time." Every week I would say this and yet I still watched the whole series. Another resolution, "don't watch as much TV". Many times I remind my children it is only TV. When a show I follow doesn't get recorded or the dish goes out because of a storm I have to remind myself it is only TV. Life will exist if I don't see who won a Survivor challenge. Next resolution "be more grateful for surviving life's challenges". I am really working on being positive and you know I really like taking this approach to life. It takes work but it has really changed my perspective on a lot of things. When I find my self slipping back into negative thoughts I catch myself and back it up and really try to find the positive. If I can't find it I let it go and think of a blessing I am receiving elsewhere in my life. Sometimes you have to walk away from what ever is causing you the negative thought and visit it later when you are more capable of dealing with it. So "think positive thoughts" will continue on with me into 2011. My house is waking up and my thoughts are beginning to scatter. I guess it is good I am going to journal more this year so I will add to my resolutions as this new year progresses. So grateful for a New Year and how they represent new beginnings. Happy New Year!

Count Your Many Blessings

This is the month of  "Thanks giving". I am usually not one to do a list but lately I have been feeling a little sad. For lack of a better word. About a year ago I finally got the courage up to meet with a counselor. (Okay, really I cried my eyes out at a routine doctors appointment and my wonderful doctor, Dr. Gustin, listened to me and said, "there is someone I want you to meet.")  I did have to get my courage up every time after that first visit to go visit her again. For some reason I always thought I could be tough and "work things out myself".  I learned sometimes you need some one to validate your feelings or to let you see the reality of the situation. She helped me to free myself from the doubting, too tough me. It wasn't until I met with her and told her of the my past 5 years and all that they entailed that I felt successful with all that I had accomplished. She looked at me as a someone that was resilient and a "survivor". Where I had always looked at myself as a barely keeping my head above water and well to be blunt a fraud. So what does this have to do with a list for this month of Thanksgiving? Well, one of the first thinks my counselor had me do was write a list of 10 things I liked about myself. Whenever I had doubts or negative thoughts come into my mind about my self I had to pull out my journal and read my list. So, with how I have been feeling lately it is time for a list! So here is

My list of 10 things that I am thankful for at this time of Thanksgiving

1. I know I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and knows me. I have an older brother and Savior that knows and loves me.
2. my husband Ryan, he loves being married to me as much as I love being married to him.
3. my children, I LOVE BEING A MOM.
4. my parents,  for accepting the gospel so that I could be raised in a gospel centered home, and for being  examples to me of  resilience and how to be a graceful survivor.   
5. my siblings for being my friends and confidants
6. Ryan's job, it allows me to stay home and be a mom.
7. cancer, I know weird, but I have learned more about the Atonement because of the experiences I have had while dealing with family members and friends that have had cancer.  
8. my country and my freedoms
9. families are eternal
10. my life, with all the happy and the sad, the easy parts and the difficult, it is my life and it has made me who I am today. 

A New Season....

I have noticed I seem to add to my blog when the weather reminds me that the seasons are changing. As the new school year begins I will try to post more often. I am so blessed with many things in my life and I think too often I take for granted all the things that happen in the everyday tasks of life and I only celebrate the "seasons changing".

 This fall has brought on a whole new "season" to my life. 

All my kids are in school. All day now. Natalie started kindergarten this year. In Illinois kindergarten is ALL day. From 8:15-2:30. I miss her. I loved having my little shadow following me around the house. Helping me clean. Going shopping with me. And all the things that "the girls" do. I even miss hearing kid shows on in the background as I try to get things done and I want her to be entertained. There were so many times I couldn't wait till bedtime so I could have a quiet house and now from 8 til 3 it is too quite. I know that this is all part of life's progression. I think it has helped me to have a deeper appreciation for Heavenly Father and His willingness to send all of His children to "school". In some ways it would be so much easier to have them home with me. At home I know what they are being exposed to. How they are being spoken to and how they are speaking to others. I can control more of what they are doing and eating and well, just control them more! But I know just like Heavenly Father's plan they need to have time on their own to learn. I will continue to teach them and influence them and help them along the way. I will also show them that I have faith in them that they can and will make good choices and they will accomplish all that they wish to accomplish. And just like my Heavenly Father whenever they need me I will be there for them to listen and council them and most of all love them. Reminds me of a song I loved as a new missionary. But now as a mother I see the words fit just as well. "God in His wisdom, designed a time and season, for every worthy purpose under Heaven." So now as I embark on a new season of motherhood I will appreciate that the quite hours are the sounds of children progressing and a mom that is letting them grow.

Only Because it's Spring!

For everything there is a time and season. Winter has seemed like an extra long season this year. I am ready for spring. My daffodils are starting to come out of the cold ground and this has warmed my heart. In January our family learned that little Jude has cancer. He is going to be going into round 3 on Friday. He has to have a total of 8 treatments. So hopefully by Halloween he will be done with the treatments and then my brother and his family can relax for the holidays. I think for the first time in my life I am looking forward to spring , summer, and then fall to go by quick because then my little nephew will be on the mend. There have been some very sweet experiences for our whole family during this trial. Cancer is a funny thing, you hate what it does to the physical body, but it has the capabilities to be an unbelievable teacher to a person's spirit. It teaches humility, faith, endurance, and most importantly what great love our Heavenly Father has for each of His children. I have  learned how much my older brother Jesus Christ has done for me. I was able to be at the hospital with Jude at the beginning of his treatments. For some reason it ended up being just Clint, Jude, and me in Jude's room. Jude wanted to listen to some music and I had my I pod on hand. We pulled it out and I remembered I had just downloaded the new songs for the Primary program for this year. I told Jude I had a really good song I wanted him to hear. I played, "I Know that My Savior Loves Me." I saw a calm come over him and he relaxed. I have a picture of the album cover on my I pod. It is a drawing of children looking up at the the Christus statue. He loved the picture as well. He listened to the song and stared at the picture for quite sometime. Watching Jude in the hospital listening to the song and looking so intently at the picture of our Savior, reminded me that  not only did He pay  the price for my sins but He also suffered all the physical pain that I will ever have to suffer. He did it all because He loves me. I have become more grateful of my knowledge that one day we all have perfected bodies because we will live again just like Jesus Christ lives. It will be wonderful for the winter to come back again because it will be the beginning of another season for our family. There will be many more things to be thankful for at Thanksgiving. But for now why does my heart with gladness sing? Only because it's spring.